Not Knowing

The night before taking the SAT for the first time, a friend and I were talking about growing up. "It's just so crazy," she said, "That all of our lives people are telling us what to do and how to do it. And then all of the sudden when we hit our junior or senior year in high school, they start asking us what we're doing with our lives. They ask us and they expect us to know what to do and how to do it on our own when all of our lives they've been telling us what to do. Like, seriously, what changes?"

It's that question that everyone who is a junior or senior in high school hates the most, "Where are you going to college? What do you want to do? Have you decided on a college yet?"

No. No. No. 

Because going to college is a big step. 

Because this career and degree I pick are a big deal. 

Because picking a college is going to play a huge factor in my life over the next four years. 

And I feel like we need time. 

That maybe having more time would help.

But over the past couple of weeks, I've seen that what we need isn't time to make decisions. Because in a way, time blurs things. After visiting several colleges, I thought I had my mind made up. I thought, "This is where I want to go and this is what I want to do."

Then people said, "But what about this school? And what about this profession?"

And my entire being screams, "I DON'T KNOW."

I was texting a friend the other day about all of this...about how I'm so tired of my answer being, "I don't know."

Just typing these words brings back the emotions- the emotions of confusion and frustration. 

Right now my answer is still, "I don't know." 

But right now in this moment, I'm okay with that. 

At camp this past summer, I was talking with my youth pastor. We were having one of those conversations that I will never forget. One of those conversations where things are real and honest and he figures how to get me to open up like no one else but my very closest friends can. 

He said something like this, "All of your senior year people are going to act like they know what they want to do and where they want to go. But in reality...they're going to be just as confused and overwhelmed as you are."

While it helps to know this, I'm not just okay with all of these unknowns because other people are going through it, too.

I'm okay with it because it's not in my hands. 

I'm not in control. 

As I type those words I can breathe deeply. I am not in control. 

I don't know what's best for myself. There's only One person who always knows what's best for me. 

He's the One who crafted the stars and called them each by name. He's the One who created every animal and knew just what they would look like before ever speaking them into existence. He's the One who spoke and it was good. He's the One who crafted the mountains and the volcanos and knew just how the Grand Canyon would dip and curve, each groove marked by his breath. 

He's also the One who breathed life into my very soul! His breath is inside of me! I wasn't just good...no, I was very good. We were the peak of His creation, the thing He was most pleased with. 

This God who crafted the mountains and stars that reach thousands of miles higher than we could ever imagine is the God who knows my every day, my every move, my every breath. 

My days are so small. My life is so short. Yet He cares. 

He cares because He made me, He breathed into my lungs the breath of life. 

He loves me. 

Tears brim in my eyes at that thought. 

He is big enough to shape every star...and He loves me. Little, tiny me...

Scripture says He is jealous for me...for all of us.

He is jealous of the things that take our attention away from Him. Because He knows that when we are in Him, we are the best we could ever be. 

I find my purpose in Him. I find my joy in Him. I find everything I need to exist in my God who knows all of the stars by name. 

So I'm okay not knowing exactly what's going to come next. 

Because He knows. 

And if He is able to sustain this entire world...He is more than able to know what's going to happen in my life. 

So yes, college is coming. And yes, that's a big deal. 

But tonight I choose to rest in the knowledge that He knows what tomorrow will hold. He knows what next August will bring. He knows the relationships I will make and the stories I will write and the lives I will impact. 

He knows each and every step. 

He's writing my story. 

And that is worth living for. 

~Bailey

P.S. If we're mentioning stories...I guess I should tell you that book #3 is in the making. Surprise!