Not Knowing

The night before taking the SAT for the first time, a friend and I were talking about growing up. "It's just so crazy," she said, "That all of our lives people are telling us what to do and how to do it. And then all of the sudden when we hit our junior or senior year in high school, they start asking us what we're doing with our lives. They ask us and they expect us to know what to do and how to do it on our own when all of our lives they've been telling us what to do. Like, seriously, what changes?"

It's that question that everyone who is a junior or senior in high school hates the most, "Where are you going to college? What do you want to do? Have you decided on a college yet?"

No. No. No. 

Because going to college is a big step. 

Because this career and degree I pick are a big deal. 

Because picking a college is going to play a huge factor in my life over the next four years. 

And I feel like we need time. 

That maybe having more time would help.

But over the past couple of weeks, I've seen that what we need isn't time to make decisions. Because in a way, time blurs things. After visiting several colleges, I thought I had my mind made up. I thought, "This is where I want to go and this is what I want to do."

Then people said, "But what about this school? And what about this profession?"

And my entire being screams, "I DON'T KNOW."

I was texting a friend the other day about all of this...about how I'm so tired of my answer being, "I don't know."

Just typing these words brings back the emotions- the emotions of confusion and frustration. 

Right now my answer is still, "I don't know." 

But right now in this moment, I'm okay with that. 

At camp this past summer, I was talking with my youth pastor. We were having one of those conversations that I will never forget. One of those conversations where things are real and honest and he figures how to get me to open up like no one else but my very closest friends can. 

He said something like this, "All of your senior year people are going to act like they know what they want to do and where they want to go. But in reality...they're going to be just as confused and overwhelmed as you are."

While it helps to know this, I'm not just okay with all of these unknowns because other people are going through it, too.

I'm okay with it because it's not in my hands. 

I'm not in control. 

As I type those words I can breathe deeply. I am not in control. 

I don't know what's best for myself. There's only One person who always knows what's best for me. 

He's the One who crafted the stars and called them each by name. He's the One who created every animal and knew just what they would look like before ever speaking them into existence. He's the One who spoke and it was good. He's the One who crafted the mountains and the volcanos and knew just how the Grand Canyon would dip and curve, each groove marked by his breath. 

He's also the One who breathed life into my very soul! His breath is inside of me! I wasn't just good...no, I was very good. We were the peak of His creation, the thing He was most pleased with. 

This God who crafted the mountains and stars that reach thousands of miles higher than we could ever imagine is the God who knows my every day, my every move, my every breath. 

My days are so small. My life is so short. Yet He cares. 

He cares because He made me, He breathed into my lungs the breath of life. 

He loves me. 

Tears brim in my eyes at that thought. 

He is big enough to shape every star...and He loves me. Little, tiny me...

Scripture says He is jealous for me...for all of us.

He is jealous of the things that take our attention away from Him. Because He knows that when we are in Him, we are the best we could ever be. 

I find my purpose in Him. I find my joy in Him. I find everything I need to exist in my God who knows all of the stars by name. 

So I'm okay not knowing exactly what's going to come next. 

Because He knows. 

And if He is able to sustain this entire world...He is more than able to know what's going to happen in my life. 

So yes, college is coming. And yes, that's a big deal. 

But tonight I choose to rest in the knowledge that He knows what tomorrow will hold. He knows what next August will bring. He knows the relationships I will make and the stories I will write and the lives I will impact. 

He knows each and every step. 

He's writing my story. 

And that is worth living for. 

~Bailey

P.S. If we're mentioning stories...I guess I should tell you that book #3 is in the making. Surprise! 

A World with Octobers.

I drove down the road yesterday coming home from a babysitting job, old Taylor Swift blasting through my speakers, the windows down and the breeze in my hair.

The leaves are changing colors. Bright reds and oranges. Soon they'll fall and create mounds of crinkly leaves on the ground.

There's something about this change of seasons that I've grown to love.

I used to absolutely love summer. I loved the warm weather, shorts and flip flops, the beach and the fact that we had over two full months without school. I still do.

But there's something about fall and spring that have become my favorite.

Because when I watch the leaves grow in the spring, bright green with blossoms and blooms, my heart is full and the Lord says, "That's what I've done in you. I've given you new life."

And in the fall when the leaves turn colors and begin to fall he says, "Look, it's your past. All of those things you regret...they can be forgotten. You are forgiven. Wait a little bit longer, you'll start to feel that new life again."

I sit here typing these words and I can only think...

Without Octobers we would miss the colors of the leaves. We would miss bonfires and s'mores and the smell that the smoke from the fire leaves on our clothes. 

We would miss pumpkins and cool fall days just before the weather turns cold. We would miss days spent in our favorite cozy sweatshirt with a good book. 

We would miss so many things. 

So today there's not a whole lot on my mind. But I'm making sure I take the time to thank God for this October. Because there won't be another one just like it. 

He is daily reminding me that those broken pieces of my past are still healing. That all of my sin has been washed clean. 

He reminds me that His love for me is unconditional, unfathomable. 

And every time I see those bright red and orange leaves He says, "I created this. I created the billions of stars. I created the vast fields and the birds and animals. And I said, 'It is good.' But then I created you! And you were very good. I will hold you and take care of you. Your future is in my hand, daughter. You are precious to me. Just like the colors of those leaves, you are unlike any other."

I breathe deeply and let the cool air fill my lungs, grateful for this day He's given me. Grateful that I am made in His imagine and for His plan. 

And I'm especially grateful He's given us Octobers.

~Bailey 

On Goodbyes

**This is one of those mornings where I'm supposed to be doing school but my Bible study this morning applied SO directly to my life I just need to write about it. So here we go.**

Goodbyes.

Even if they're just temporary, there's something about them that pulls at your heartstrings until you feel as if there's nothing left. The tears rise and you feel that familiar burning in your throat growing as you dab at your eyes, trying to keep mascara from smearing.

I've had a lot of these in the past two years, more than I would like to remember.

The hardest goodbyes are the ones where you don't get to say goodbye- where the person leaves before you get a chance to wish them well, before you get to tell them how much you really did love them, how much you still love them.

Then there are the kind that are face to face. You embrace and cry and get to tell the person how much you love them, you wish them well and watch them load into the car. And then they drive off. You know it's harder for them than it is for you when a piece of your heart has just gone to live somewhere else.

Weeks crawl by and you wonder where they have gone and when they will be back, if they'll be back at all.

I can remember when my Paige died. My father held me and I cried, "I didn't get to say goodbye." Later in the day, I hugged a middle schooler at church and she said, "I just wish I could have said goodbye."

When my *adopted* big sister and brother-in-law moved to California last October, we stood on the front porch of the house they were staying in. Their eleven month old daughter was confused as could be about why everyone around her was crying, but we all knew. East coast to west coast is a long way away and Christmas didn't seem very close at all.

Just over a month ago, one of my dearest friends was leaving for college. Over the last six months we've become closer than ever and I dreaded the day when she would make the two hour drive and move into her dorm room at Gardner Webb University. We stood in the youth area after everyone else had left. Normally we are extremely sarcastic around each other but not that night. We wrapped our arms around each other, each of us about to lose it and said, "I love you, friend."

And in just a couple of days, I'll say another goodbye to two people who have become increasingly important in my life within the past year and a half. They are moving to Brazil to be missionaries and I couldn't be more excited to see what the Lord is going to do through them there. Trent has taken me in as his little sister, offering me more advice, love and encouragement than I ever deserved. Sydney has been faithful to text me when I'm having hard weeks and pray for me when I need it. I don't know how I'm going to make it without them around.

In my Bible study this morning, one statement stuck out to me. When I read it, I didn't think of it in context of the passage we were looking at. But in the context of goodbyes.

"Closeness carries risk."

Closeness carries the risk of telling the painful truth.

Closeness carries the risk of losing that person and the pain being unbearable.

Closeness carries the risk of long distance relationships, FaceTiming and Skyping.

Closeness carries the risk of goodbyes. 

And as hard as goodbyes might be...I wouldn't trade these relationships for anything.

I wouldn't trade the memories, the letters, the hugs, the encouraging texts and words...

I wouldn't trade it just because goodbyes hurt.

After all- closeness carries risk. We know going into a relationship that things could go wrong. But we also know that at some point, we'll have to say goodbye in one way or another.

As much as this hurts, we must remember- I must remember- that Christ calls us as the church to "admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone." (1 Thes. 5:14-15)

Even if it means a more painful goodbye in the end, let's make relationships, let's encourage one another, let's not take for granted one moment we have together...

Because it's all beautiful. It's all so beautiful. And it's all part of His plan, every single moment.

"And the only way to ever leave beauty marks on the world is with bits of yourself — and this will hurt. Things of realest beauty don’t bring us glory — but Him glory." {Ann Voskamp, A Holy Experience}

~Bailey

Giveaway!!

I'm super pumped, friends!

It's time to have my very first blog/facebook GIVEAWAY!!!

Before I show you what you might be winning, let's go over the entry rules:

1. You must Tweet/Facebook/Instagram about For I Know the Plans, using the hashtag: #ForIKnowthePlansbook with a link back to my blog. Yes, I'm aware it's the longest hashtag EVER. Also, please tag me in your posts! I'm on all three of the social media sites listed above. (FB: Bailey Bowers, Twitter: BaileyBowers15, Instagram: baileyelizabeth_b) This way I can make sure you posted.

Once you've posted about it, comment back on this post and let me know that you did so! Each post will count for one entry. Example: if you posted on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter you would get THREE entries!

2. If you've already read For I Know the Plans, you can get TWO more entries! You can go to amazon.com, search "For I Know the Plans" and write a review! Once you comment on this post saying you wrote a review, I will enter your name TWO more times since a review takes a little extra time and thought.

Oh, and you must live in the United States to enter this giveaway.

NOW! Here's what I'll be giving away.

Two people will win this super cute Sole Hope water bottle and a Light Gives Heat necklace (made in Uganda)!

(Here's my favorite one!) One person will win an autographed copy of For I Know the Plans AND a Light Gives Heat necklace!!

I know, super fun, right?

The winners will be announced NEXT FRIDAY, September 5th! This gives you plenty of time to enter.

Thank you ahead of time for helping spread the word about For I Know the Plans! If you live in this area, be on the lookout for an article in the High Point Enterprise about my journey to writing this book. It will be out Sunday or Monday. THAT is also very exciting.

~Bailey