Saturday, April 5, 2014

Write my story.

I sat reading Little Women on the front porch swing of my grandmother's house. It's a white, wooden swing with red pillows. The weather was just perfect, the sun was setting. We were enjoying the first watermelon of the season and my fingers were sticky- but not enough to keep me from turning pages.

I've read this book twice already, but isn't that what defines a classic? Being able to read it over and over again- still learning something new every time.

J-man sat beside me and I closed my eyes and smile.

The image that fills my mind is this:

Being married and having (at least!) two or three daughters. We'll sit in the living room in our cozy home, whether it's in the U.S. or Africa, and I'll be reading Little Women out loud to them. When Beth dies we will cry together and my husband will have to read for me. When Jo rejects Laurie's marriage proposal we'll be angry together. When Daisy and Demi are born we'll be so happy tears may fall again. And in the end when Marmee tells her girls that she wishes them "every happiness" they'll ask me to read it again.

I live in that moment and I dream, writing a part of my story.


As I sat finishing my book series(the one I promise I'll blog about) and as they finally got engaged I had another image filling my mind.

Something every girl dreams of quite often...

This picture played out something like this:

Meeting the man God has picked out for me- the man who will protect me, lead me and love me through Christ's love. The man who won't mind having half a dozen kids, half of which are chocolate babies from Africa. Anyway...he'll have bought a ring and after asking my father's permission, ask me to be his wife- to love each other everyday ahead of us and walk in His will. Somehow, he will have picked out the perfect time and place- the one that fulfills the dreams I'm typing out right now.

I live in another moment and I dream, writing a part of my story.


We find out that (as of now) we don't have a tutor for my class next year- my senior year.

A part of my story crumbles.

There are other options but Classical has always been IT. It's been the thing I've dreamed of finishing and in the end being able to say, "I went all the way through Challenge IV." (If you're in Challenge you know how big of a deal this is.)

My disappointment is strong, but my Jesus is stronger. 

MY plans aren't working out. I'm a planner- it was all supposed to work out the way I wanted it to.

But it's not. And it's killing me.

Those dreams of being married and having daughters seem so far off.

They might be far off, but my Jesus is always near. 

I'm making progress with my book- slowly but surely. My plans of becoming a teacher and moving to Rwanda/Uganda are still there, still a calling...but what about this writing thing? What am I supposed to do with this?

Things may not be super clear, but my Jesus has a plan. 

And that is what I whisper to myself over and over...and over and over again: My Jesus has a plan! 

College is in the future. Decisions are being made, something I'm quite terrible at.

All I want is to know what's in store. To know what He has planned.

But, my friends, that takes away the adventure. It would take away all the fun!

He wants to surprise me.

1 Corinthians 2:9, “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him...”

It's hard for me especially because I write stories. I construct plots and I get to figure out what happens in the end. I get to see if he'll get the girl or if everything will turn out alright before anyone else. And I love it.

But in my story nothing is up to me.

As I told a friend tonight, "There are all these options and part of me is so thankful that it's not all up to me! Thank the Lord that He knows what He's doing."

I had never meant anything more in my life.

Right now I don't even know what next semester will look like, much less the next five, ten years!

But the Lord knows exactly what he's doing.

He knows that each day that goes by is preparing me for something that I can't begin to imagine.

So while I write stories, I've decided to let God write mine.

He's done an amazing job so far.

And to think that some of the best days of our lives haven't even happened yet! 


1 comment:

  1. Thank you for putting things into perspective for me. Your words were just what I needed to hear.